Backtracking on what I did to get to where I am today.
Thinking.
Re injured my back on July 4th, 2008, when I went bowling. I bowled fairly poorly, throwing in the 130’s over 3 games. Woke up the next day and knew something was wrong. I hated myself on levels so deep during this time that I’d lost the ability to actually think. I only knew how to hate things, particularly myself and life in general.
So let’s think about this.
Probably took a week to get to the doctor, then a couple months building my tolerance back up, and bang - Im back on the horse at 4 / 6 vicodin a day.
So ~ 600 days x 5 (avg) pills a day = 3000 pills.
Dang, that’s a lot. And assuming that the last 9 months I switched to Norco (this was after I confessed out of shame to one of my prescribing doctors that I was abusing my meds, he took that as a segway to put me on a diffferent mediciation w/ a higher dose. Hey, you’re actually taking less pills now and no longer shredding your liver like a brick of pastrami on a deli slicer, but whoops, the dosage is now actually higher. What planet am I on right now?) So the formula isnt exact. But essentially, out of 730 days, I can think of 3, in all honesty, that I wasn’t on opiates. Twice was on account of parties I had to attend and felt pressured to drink and “socialize”, rather than revert to my natural state of numb and alone, and the third day was simply the day before my actual operation.
I don’t like to drink when I am on pills. I feel ultra toxic. I just like the crisp kick of meds dissolving slowly inside me. Alcohol is a big bottle of dumbness and regret.
So that was run 2. Run 1 taking place between 2004 and 2007, again, 4 / 6 vicodins a day, on a semi-daily basis this time, intermixing with breaks to consume other substances and such.
365*3 / 2 = 548 x 5 pills a day = 2920.
Not an exact summary, give or take extended build up phases, with months of running at a 2,3,4,5 and 6 pill clip. 8 being the ultima, but not representative of the majority of the blocks of time and only accounting for the tails of each run. To even this out, I also took into account the various painkillers I consumed recreationally prior to ever injuring my back, which is probably in the 300-400 range.
So combine that with my two runs, that’s over 5,000 pills.
Do I get a badge or something for hitting that mark?
I never really considered what the full tally was so I thought it’d be important to actually understand the magnitude of what I’ve done and instill an extra layer of commitment into my efforts to bury this old life and start fresh.
24 hours. No drinking, no somas to sleep.
Acceptance.
Thankful I am no longer in physical pain. Very thankful.
LIGHTVISION
