January 2012
2 posts
I used to have stuff. Vinyl records, mementos, HI8 video tapes. I used to maintain certain ideals, specific truths which guided me, mantras of thought - yet somewhere along the line I started overusing commas (*self dep plug) (overusage of commas represents paralytic thinking, the inability to convey complex thought or rather a fear of failure in relation to creative pursuit). Now I have blank...
Dropping a big fuck you to myself and all associated parties related to ME and my being.
December 2011
3 posts
In a weird way I have arrived. Although I still experience intense swings of heightened paranoia and needlessly suffer myself with massive constructs of what-if failure fears, I have somehow managed to go mildly numb at times, even slightly indifferent to the omnipotent terror of existence which historically weighed upon me like a rusty steel blanket. A deadening of the mind of sorts....
Perhaps there are too many COMMAS in use around here
RED ELVIS
November 2011
1 post
Faked enough days to string together something Resembling a moment, a semblance so touching Take note Of the cracks inside my heart And the lumps inside my throat Waiting for the shoe to drop Waiting for these blues to rot Told a many tales, told of lazy fabrications A new version of me, the latest recreation Take note Of the tears inside my eyes And the knots atop the rope Waiting for the shoe...
October 2011
1 post
I guess Ill rejoin the blogging ranks of blogmerica. Casual typing, Im just doing a little mind writing, not really thinking about what I’m saying just putting it down right now. Something parasitic HA I guess my drive to write is sourced in that floating lump in the center of my chest, the one that flexes tightly with each dumb thought of self-pity, every spark of doubt, with seething...
June 2011
1 post
Sick of mediocrity. People - fuck. No need to try, WHY would we? Pleasure automation, questing for stimulation, goals eroded to arms length musterings, I came to in the middle of the night clicking my ipod angrily at the tv, surrounded by plastic bottles of water, a ball of gravity strobing rapidly inside my gut. Am I looking out with my eyes, projecting a reality constructed within my mind into a...
May 2011
1 post
Dead
February 2011
3 posts
Gotta be grateful Gotta be thankful As we descend into chaos A sea of flannel A pile of animals Redwood Grove did a number on me Can’t stand my own thoughts Yet all I want to do is hear myself talk Redwood Grove nothing but a memory
I lay in wait Getting high off the pen that X’s out the date On the nod Dripping clocks on the wall, hold the applause Maddening Burst into tears thinking “this isn’t happening”
January 2011
3 posts
This is not my life. What I am living, the body I posses, it is not mine. I am an amalgamation of perceptions, I am the image of which others perceive me. I do not own their visions, I do not power their hearts, in their eyes is where I exist. The mirror has no thoughts, the mirror knows nothing of emotion, the mirror is a lie. Imagine a world without mirrors, strip your mind of the fallacy known...
Stuck under a ceiling of stucko I see windows, I see space This ain’t no opportunity bucko You had it all It went to waste
Stuck between a couch cushion I bleed blue, yea I bleed too Keep on truckin keep on pushin You want it all Just a little taste I feel sick, waiting for the drip I feel sick, lost within the trip I feel sick, waiting for the drip I feel sick, lost within the trip
Lived so long so long been afraid Thought I died of boredom But I couldn’t find my grave Spent a lot of time hating everything in sight Can no longer face the day Can no longer fight the night Gave a lot of advice, made comments some insightful I showed up, well most of the time I just said I would What will they think of me, I know it can’t be good If they won’t accept me...
December 2010
5 posts
They wail, they weep, they feel like shit…they are already dead. A general malaise, an exhaustion, and from what - the will of the want, a mechanism of urges supplanting motivations assumed vital; our very being thunk into dependency of the next hit. Minds running rampant with no systems of control, no means to regulate, simply a kill switch with a busted knob and without concern, not even a...
Found a little God Another reason why I was shaking in my sleep I was dreaming in rhyme And I’m thinking all along Was I put here just to die I’m chewing on my tongue I’m bleeding out my eyes If I could peel off my face I’d rip it right the fuck off If I could peel off my face I’d rip it right the fuck off
Waiting for the high to mold Thought I felt it kick If my heart were to explode Would it still continue to tick You said you would call YOU FUCKING SAID YOU WOULD CALL If I told you how I felt Would you change at all My breath gets shallow My breath gets shallow Can’t stand tall When you feel so hollow Debating the consequences Of making a break for it If my head was to explode What would be...
Feeling sorry for myself Feeling sorry for the way the rain falls And how the snow melts Thinking something like, this can’t be real Thinking something like, I do what I want And then I self-destruct And then I turn to dust Faded, decay on delay with a mind so jaded Sedated, so fucking sedated, pills and junk Love unspun, hatred, you dumb droolin fool Wait to fall asleep, wake up and do it...
I am a vacuum. I am negative space. My mind is a cardboard box, filled with cardboard boxes. I taste of metal. I fear everything.
I fear the vastness, of the nothingness, of the endlessness. I want peace. I know nothing of peace. I am a reactionary device, I posses no substance of value. I transform to how I perceive myself through your eyes. I am here to appease you. I require forever...
November 2010
2 posts
Happiness is… The absence of fear Fear is… A thought within your mind To eradicate fear… You must face it To achieve happiness… You must want it SUBTEXT: Let go of your quest for cool There is no destination, there is no mountaintop You are playing a war against mirrors Find yourself
You know that feeling when you think you are experiencing the beginning of an earthquake; a slight jolt of some sort, a rumbling, a mysterious shakiness sometimes accompanied by a creek. The terror - instantaneous, all systems go, and then…nothing. It was all in my head, the fear so real, the doom so looming. Perhaps its the wavy carpet pattern in my hallway corridor, or the way my blinds...
October 2010
2 posts
Everybody wants to die, happy that is Thinking of the way you do what you did But me, I’m going down swinging Going down humming the songs that im singing Granted, yea thats what I took you for Face down in the gutter outside the Troubadour Yea, its a disease, a certain sort of unease Checking out of these digs and fuck a farewell Minds go tick and minds go boom Stuck on blue, aint nothing...
OMG DUDE JUST BE HAPPY. JESUS H.
September 2010
2 posts
Utterly baffling the amount of garbage I’ve posted to this thing in the past 6 months. Just horrendous, misanthropic dribble. All apologies to the ghosts which frequent this page, you must truly be gluttons for half-baked diatribes on disdain and anguish. Peace.
August 2010
7 posts
Here I am, sipping a poorly mixed protein shake out of a red plastic cup, killing time as my body decays at a speed the human eye can not track. I sit and monitor the signs. Ruminate on sounds that travel in the form of thought, there is a science to the breakdown, a pattern, everything is numbers, our own demise a simple math equation; 0-0 = 0. “Fuck” I think to myself. It passes. I...
Guilt. That’s the reason why.
Having a body is such a chore Life should be retitled “Body Maintenance” Sometimes I wish I was a fish Swim to live, live to swim Water
A good day to have…
a good day indeed.
July 2010
15 posts
No destination but I still set sail Knowing all along That cooler heads prevail No destination Wish me well At night I turn and twist Knowing all along That my heart won’t beat forever But the clock will always tick Wish me well They tell me to keep coming back Knowing all along That quickly I will fade to black No destination Wish me well I see bottles Some empty Some sealed I see bottles...
If I had some, I’d have taken em already.
Whatevah
It’s not what I see in the mirror It’s whats missing It’s not what I think I hear Im not even listening Burn a cigarette just to feel something Lock the windows, bolt the doors 11 stories high and I feel like jumping Singing happy birthday, almost 30 Flush the meds, watch em disolve 11 stories high and the airs so dirty It’s not what I see in the mirror It’s whats...
Backtracking on what I did to get to where I am today. Thinking. Re injured my back on July 4th, 2008, when I went bowling. I bowled fairly poorly, throwing in the 130’s over 3 games. Woke up the next day and knew something was wrong. I hated myself on levels so deep during this time that I’d lost the ability to actually think. I only knew how to hate things, particularly myself and...
Sometimes the walls Don’t feel that far away Like the space I fill Like the time I kill It’s all in vain And I’m just an incidental You make me think Maybe its me You make me think I’m the problem Sometimes the walls They make it hard to breathe Like the smoke I seek Like the tears I leak And I’m something sentimental You make me think Maybe its me You make me think...
Disappointed in people.
Grey Goose out the plastic cup. Running a 2011 program. Concepts aint even out yet. Oh snap, sorta looking at my life and everything surrounding me. Who would I be without all this stuff to define me? Would I be the same person I am today? Am I just a canvas, do I simply embody the material things in my life which are used to categorize and label me as a person. Who would I be without stuff?...
Hold on I just need to get this off my chest: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU.
Didn’t think it’d be like this with these old skeletons I thought I’d buried long ago. Take off that chemical overcoat you’ve been living in for a good 2 years and brace for the elements as they have their way with your silly, weak, humanity. Maybe I was depressed this whole time but literally too dumb from the pills for my brain to actually interpret emotions. I...
dont be dumb silly rabbit pick up drugs pick up habits nobody knows too stupid too slow but my bones still ache and my soul still moans California in the summer it can get so cold all alone in California I’m home all alone
Not blogging much these days. My life hurts. Coming off this medicine. I think I’ll be happier without this false pleasure I keep chasing. Authenticity.
June 2010
7 posts
Waiting for the world to end Waiting for the drugs to kick Say something I’m watching you when I see the candles flick I know I got a little bit left Cause it hurts more and more with each and every breath Say something What right do you posses To disappear What wills you to digest My heart from out my chest Say something Never will I know you Never had the chance to show you The more you...
D E T O X